Take my hand, we're off to NeverNever Land.

25.12.04

for formality's sake, merry xmas!

fresh from recluse 05:47 [+]

Im glad i caught the re-run of Godfather on tv again. the appeal it has on me simply grows the more i watch it. anyway, jervis' tmr, then lenn's. hope it'll be fun. looking forward more to church (yes i didnt type this wrongly) and the family thingy on xmas day itself though. time to play with the babies of the household.



Now now this aint for you so dont get any wrong ideas into yr head...

Well I know we just met yesterday
But things feel oh so right
Cause you always know just what to say
And what is on my mind
Well I feel I need a special way
To ask you to be mine
But I dont know when's the perfect day
Or whats the perfect time

Babe you leave me confused
Dont know if I should let you know or wait it out girl
Wish I knew just what to do
Im so confused

So girl what you wanna see
Wanna see me get down on my knees
Wanna hear me begging baby please
Wanna hear me crying for mercy
Oh girl I wish I knew your world
I think im losing my head over you

Every bone in my body says I want you tonight
Pretty little hunny, why you there by my side
With your Halle Berry face and you Beyonce thighs
With you Juxci want to collide
Bump all night long with you sexy little waist
Come girl, come along, wanna make love to you from dusk till dawn

Well I know that it maybe too soon to know just what you'd like
But I wanna know what you've been thru, what you want from life
Its so real the way I feel so true, its been so hard to find
Wanna know how you feel for me too, so I can make up my mind

Babe you leave me confused
Dont know if I should let you know or wait it out girl
Wish I knew just what to do
I'm so confused

Well someone once told me that you'd end up lonely
Dont let love ever pass you by
Coz I've seen it happen to people that mattered to me with my very own eyes
Maybe they were mistaken
And I should be waiting, for you to show me a sign
Or should I just let you know that if I let you go,
I'd wonder the rest of my life

So girl what you wanna see
Wanna see me get down on my knees
Wanna hear me begging baby please
Wanna hear me crying for mercy
Oh girl I wish I knew your world
I think im losing my head over you

To be or not to be, that is the question
I dont know what to do
Im in a state of confusion
All I want from you is your love and affection
Is this love real or just an illusion?

fresh from recluse 10:34 [+]

we slog like fucking dogs by day only to live like kings by night. is it worth it at all? would you trade this all in return for the control you used to have over your life? tell me when you can. i'll be the first.

fresh from recluse 13:44 [+]

a million fucks wont do the trick. this anger within me wells up with every crawling day, snowballs into this huge pit of flames. the frustration hits me from all sides too quick to even know where it's comin from. aint gonna waste no time trying to find out anyway. as i said, a million fucks wont do the trick.

fresh from recluse 09:10 [+]

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?

The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Pink Floyd

fresh from recluse 07:14 [+]

battleking photos are up... link's on the left.

fresh from recluse 11:37 [+]

coming back from thailand has made me come to a realisation of sorts. some of my past fears and worries have proved to be unfounded, but the scary thing is that those that continue to linger and haunt me seem to have grown even bigger than before.

fresh from recluse 22:14 [+]

thought i saw a familiar face last night but i could be mistaken. the usual bobbing of her hair as she moved. the trademark half smile so prominent from the side view. and of course, it was because i saw that irritating ex-classmate of hers that made me suspect she was who she was. but i doubt she is la. no one saw nobody. so maybe i was seeing things. or maybe what my friend said was really true, that i been missing her too much. NAH. i doubt it la seriously. dang, seeing the ferris wheel today sure brought back some of them memories. how little (not to mention stagnant) of those we had, so much so that after more than 700 days these are still the only times i can recall. oh well, doesnt bother me now.

fresh from recluse 03:26 [+]

never got so fucking high in a long long time man.

fresh from recluse 21:10 [+]

girl you got me lifted, shifted higher than the ceiling. and ooh wee it's the ultimate feeling. you got me lifted, feeling so gifted, suga how you get so fly? tell me suga how u get so fly? baby girl ur lips felt so sweet and soft to the touch makes me wanna hold u with extra care, u made me melt in ur arms right there and then.

fresh from recluse 05:47 [+]

zouk. last night. heavy rain. received the phone call. met up with a huge bunch of ppl. talked to many of them too. lots of liquid to go arnd. there was martell. vodka. jd. chivas. lots more. countless rounds of 5-10. fags calmed me down quite abit. couple of cute girls. saw someone who lived near me. whole night of familiar tracks. had a minor little bust-up. some tempers flew. went for some al-azhar. and then im home. oh what a night.

fresh from recluse 23:23 [+]

baby girl i miss u so fucking much. always pushing u to the back of my head but ur ghost comes back to haunt me tonight and im paralysed all over. there's no turning back now and i aint wishing for anyone to run back to anyone, i just want this fucked up feeling to go away. seriously hope no one's reading this shit cos i dun wanna tell this to nobody cept for this cold hard machine staring straight right into my eyes.

fresh from recluse 11:41 [+]

chris isaak - wicked game

fresh from recluse 11:36 [+]

first u make me work 5 1/2 days. then u tell me that im from the support side so i don't get as much even though i do twice the fuckin work there is. now u dont even fucking give me the amount i shld rightfully be getting when we totally deserve it. someone pls tell me what the fuck is going on. i no longer know why im here or why im doing all this in the first place.

fresh from recluse 10:51 [+]

girl u wanna come to my hotel, baby i'll leave u my room key. im feelin the way u carry yrself girl, and i wanna get with u cos you's a cutie. so if u wanna come to my hotel, all u gotta do is holla at me, cos we're having an after party... checking out 6 in the mornin'... baby girl come on over i'll leave the fucking best suite just for u girl =)

fresh from recluse 08:27 [+]

kinda pains me to see a sweet girl reduced to near tears, esp when she's someone i used to be so hell crazy abt when i was a kid. cant imagine who could bear to inflict such pain on her when i never even dreamt abt hurting her for a single second.

fresh from recluse 14:11 [+]

And you still move me, you undo me like you've always done.

fresh from recluse 10:07 [+]

reggae night was, to put it plainly, the bomb. i swear moh and i are fuckin kindreds man. just a night of plain chilling out and corner-relaxing. and when the bushmen performed No Woman No Cry everyone just raised their hands in the air, lighter flames lit up, eyes closed, immersing themselves in the beat... Turn yr lights down low, and pull down the window curtain, never never try to resist...

fresh from recluse 12:23 [+]

last night finally caught up with mr. safos kailun for for dinner and some soccer. man utd clowned out again so no comments on that. us guys went over to sin hoi for dinner i intro-ed them those simply titillating prawns. they reacted with sheer SM-ish disgust as i plucked off the i-am-oh-so-drunk prawn's head and dipped in wasabi. 5 mins later they joined in anyway hah. kailun dropped me at sixth ave to grab a cab and guess who i saw. mr white hair medic sijie and tziyang were relaxing one corner at the already closed kopitiam and i joined them bros. we shot the bull for an hr or so and went home. kinda nice with an impromptu gathering like this. anyways im so damn pleased with my new comp its like having multiple cums as i caress every single little key on that snazzy keyboard. gotta scoot soon going for some seesha and then, some long awaited reggae. hell yeah.

fresh from recluse 03:00 [+]

zouk last night. felt pretty damn weird the whole time i was there. sometimes it just feels like i've lost the feeling for clubbing it just feels different now. or it may just be the lack of alcohol. i remember feeling pretty damn happy on days when i've got no lack of alcohol. plus i was quite broke last night to buy much. well, that explains. arh fuck it dun wanna evaluate a senseless thing as this. gonna fucking pass out next saturday... on sept.11, how apt. wonder if they arranged the damned date on purpose. if they did i wouldnt know what to think man. anyway as i was saying im gonna pass out next saturday already but yet i still feel so bloody uncertain abt the things that lie ahead of me. kinda making me worried its like a boy that doesnt wanna leave sch, same feeling i got when the As were abt to end and i got confronted by the fact that im gonna be depending on only my little own bloody ass and no one else's anymore. damned. speaking of that, mum, i need some cash man.

fresh from recluse 22:02 [+]

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me
Will you take the pain
I will give to you
Again and again
And will you return it

There'll be times
When my crimes
Will seem almost unforgivable
I give in to sin
Because you have to make this life liveable
But when you think I've had enough
From your sea of love
I'll take more than another riverfull
Yes, and I'll make it all worthwhile
I'll make your heart smile

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me
Will you take the pain
I will give to you
Again and again
And will you return it

There'll be days
When I'll stray
I may appear to be
Constantly out of reach
I give in to sin
Because I like to practise what I preach
I'm not trying to say
I'll have it all my way
I'm always willing to learn
When you've got something to teach
And I'll make it all worthwhile
I'll make your heart smile

Pain, will you return it.

I'll say it again - pain.

fresh from recluse 21:56 [+]

pussy

cats are sensitive creatures. was walking home late last night when i saw a cat lying on the porch as i approached and all. i took care not to scare it off cos it looked pretty comfortable lying there where it was. so i maintained a sorta distance from it in case it got threatened by me or sth. the thing was the cat just looked me straight in the eye as i passed and he turned his head towards my direction even as i walked away. you could tell it wasn't gonna move away from his comfortable spot but he was just watching you making sure u didnt do anything funny. it amazes me a hell lot cos usually dogs would just wag their tails(and tongues) a lot and do a whole lot of crazy stupid things like barking their throats out but cats are oh so different. it's almost like they're human and know how to react like we do. in most cases when strangers approach we'd prob act the way that cat did. and how many animals are like that? you wonder...

fresh from recluse 19:38 [+]

right abt 11 weeks ago i returned to an island i thought (or rather i hoped) i would never have to ever go back again. well i thought wrong. but sispec was never a mistake. if any i would label my stint there as a most memorable and fruitful period in my ns life and it would probably stay special. let's just say that my stay at sispec was cut off prematurely when i was posted to another unit after bslc. all the shit ppl said abt the place wasn't true cos i went through it there first hand and there was nothing wrong as far as im concerned. pretty sad to think that there wont be any more chances to sing the sch song anymore. in fact i was quite disappointed that im no longer in the infantry though most guys would think im crazy.

when the whistle blows
silence everywhere
the flag goes up in the battalion square
soldiers all around
never let u down
cos we are the best in the SAF
so echo, echo out loud
alpha warriors never let u down
so echo, echo out loud
alpha warriors don't u mess around
who u wanna be now? alpha warriors
who u wanna be now? alpha warriors
how far? all the way...
how far? all the way...
half way? ALL THE WAY...

alpha company, best company, together, forever, fighting fit.

thanks for the times sispec alpha coy. =) u are much missed.

fresh from recluse 07:05 [+]

i've been walking these streets at night just trying to get it right. it's hard to see with so many around, you know i don't like being stuck in the crowd. and the streets don't change but baby the name, i ain't got no time for the game.

fresh from recluse 03:58 [+]

was at a macs outlet today for a drink. sitting at a table opposite mine was an old couple having ice cream and talking. it isn't anything special but it is a rare sight to see here. kinda touching and sweet. and im left wondering where i'll be when im 70 yrs old. not too promising though.

fresh from recluse 03:54 [+]

these days i've been feeling a little outta whack. kinda like a bit distracted by the things going on arnd me but there's so much i can't seem to concentrate on one single thing at a time. you see this is what happens when you've got no pressing issue tt needs to be attended to, and you end up thinking that you have all the things in the world to resolve. i got no idea what the fuck im rambling abt, but thats precisely the case thats going on with me now. it kinda reflects itself in what im writing as well.

fresh from recluse 20:34 [+]

this place has been collecting dust ever since god knows when, and i'd bet the only ppl that visit it is probably only myself. but i aint gonna shut it down just yet. in fact when i first did this up my intention was that no one would come read it, which was why i didnt want my friends to link me up and all. now that the cobwebs are up its time i did a bit of cleaning up, this is when the realest shit comes in, with this place all to myself. cheers to that.

fresh from recluse 21:23 [+]

like i said, it ain't abt the chances. never.

fresh from recluse 11:09 [+]

ru2 guo3 mei2 you3 yu4 jian4 ni3
wo3 jiang1 hui4 shi4 zai4 na2 li3
ri4 zi4 guo4 de1 zen3 me4 yang4
ren1 sheng1 shi4 fou3 yao4 zhen1 xi1
ye2 xu3 ren4 shi4 mou3 yi1 ren2
guo4 zhe4 ping2 fan2 de ri4 zi3
bu4 zhi dao4 hui4 bu4 hui4
ye2 you3 ai4 qing2 tian1 ru2 mi4

ren2 shi1 guang1 cong1 cong1 liu2 qu4
wo2 zhi3 zai4 hu1 ni3
xin1 gan1 qing2 yuan4 gan2 ran3 ni3 de qi4 xi1
ren2 sheng1 ji3 he2 neng2 gou4 de2 dao4 zhi1 ji3
shi1 qu4 sheng1 ming4 de li4 liang4 ye3 bu4 ke3 xi1
suo2 yi3 wo3 qiu2 qiu2 ni3
bie2 rang4 wo3 li2 kai1 ni3
chu2 le4 ni3
wo3 bu4 neng2 gan3 dao4 yi4 si1 si1 qing2 yi4

ru2 guo3 you3 na4 me4 yi4 tian1
ni3 shuo1 ji2 jiang1 yao4 li2 qu4
wo3 hui4 mi2 shi1 wo3 zi4 ji3
zou3 ru4 wu2 bian1 ren2 hai3 li3
bu4 yao4 shen3 me4 nuo4 yan2
zhi3 yao4 tian1 tian1 zai4 yi4 qi3
wo3 bu4 neng2 zhi3 yi1 kao4
pian4 pian4 hui2 yi4 huo2 xia4 qu4

ren2 shi1 guang1 cong1 cong1 liu2 qu4
wo2 zhi3 zai4 hu1 ni3
xin1 gan1 qing2 yuan4 gan2 ran3 ni3 de qi4 xi1
ren2 sheng1 ji3 he2 neng2 gou4 de2 dao4 zhi1 ji3
shi1 qu4 sheng1 ming4 de li4 liang4 ye3 bu4 ke3 xi1
suo2 yi3 wo3 qiu2 qiu2 ni3
bie2 rang4 wo3 li2 kai1 ni3
chu2 le4 ni3
wo3 bu4 neng2 gan3 dao4 yi4 si1 si1 qing2 yi4

fresh from recluse 22:23 [+]

i'll be enlisting in a few hrs time. some ppl asked if im excited, i wonder why i shld feel this way. others asked if i feel sad, abt losing both my hair and my freedom, im not in the least bit bothered by those as well. in fact they're my last considerations. i guess im feeling... sian. mock my lack of better vocab but thats like the most apt word for me right now. doesnt say much but yeah. so bye all for now. talk to y'all soon.

TALK to me softly
there's something in your eyes
don't hang your head in sorrow
and please don't cry
i know how you feel inside i've
i've been here before
something is changin' inside you
and don't you know
Don't you cry tonight
don't you cry tonight
don't you cry tonight
there's a heaven above you baby
and don't you cry tonight.

A HUNDRED days have made me older
since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there’s only you and me
The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go.

WHEN you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.

fresh from recluse 12:55 [+]

my bedroom

when i see the pool cue lying idly in its velvet case in that corner of the room, im reminded of a beautiful friendship that sadly, went the wrong way around.

when i see the posters on the wall, im reminded of an impossible utopia i secretly bear hope for, of a film that im deeply affected by, and of my love for soccer, and much more.

when i see the framed picture of a certain Class 4J 2001 on my study table, im reminded of the best 4 years of my life.

when i see the empty liquor bottles on display all around the room, im reminded of the many nights of comraderie, merry-making and even drunken tearful moping i've shared with many a close friend.

when i see the remaining tub of hair wax on the table in front of the mirror im reminded of the fact that i very soon won't need it anymore.

when i see the metallic xmas star hanging by the window im reminded of the post O-level xmas, it was a "gift" from the Paragon decorations.

when i see the old rj timetable still pinned on the corkboard, with the sch badge pinned alongside it, im reminded of how raffles has affected and influenced me in these recent years. sounds corny, but yeah.

and when i see the simple words printed on paper stuck on my cabinet, im reminded of how choice, personal choice, can play such a pivotal role in deciding how one lives life out the way he does. amd of course, im reminded how at times personal choice may not be in fact be one of the choices. but im rambling.

standing at the threshold of a new, impending era. where do we go from here?

fresh from recluse 10:35 [+]

i had a lot of fun last night. thanks you guys.

fresh from recluse 12:53 [+]

go shorty it's my birthday
we gon' party like it's my birthday
we gon' sip bacardi like it's my birthday

that was yesterday though. now that im 19 im feeling that age is catching up w me all over again. didnt get to sip no bacardi but i've had my more than fair share of alcohol at zouk. i have to reiterate that zouk mambo night is the best there is. i mean rnb remains my number 1 passion but when im at zouk, mambo takes the crown for the time being. and that reminds me, last night was my last mambo night before i set sail overseas for my beach holiday at tekong. can u hear the calling already?!?

i guess it was a gd bday w most of my friends present. being the birthday boy is good. i got ppl from all over buying me drinks. even some i didnt knew! the damage thus far... i had tequila shots, sex on the beach, vodka green tea (by the jugs!), malibu (by the jugs too!), and lotsa beer.

an apt closure to the madness of the impending enlistment? i dont know man. i just wish my birthdays would be this good every year, and not in the alcohol sense.

i should be so lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky (minus the hand signs of course). mambo revellers will know what i mean =)

fresh from recluse 04:45 [+]

it's exciting when the new year comes isn't it? we get so hyped up abt the prospects that come along as the last digit on the calendar skips up by 1, for me as well i suppose. more so in my case cos my birthday happens very early in the year, and i often self evaluate a lot during this period of time. i initially wanted to do a "2003: YEAR IN RETROSPECT" but my memory fails me. There have been good times, and bad. I can remember those definitely. im prob echoing the thoughts of all the 18 yr old males reading this.

Last night (when it was still 2003), i zapped my ez-link card for the last time as a student. Today i am no longer a student, but a pre-enlistee. I've got no qualms abt army nor am i dreading it, it's the transitional phase im talking abt here. i can still remember my days in queenstown lutheran church, first day at nursery1 crying my balls out to my mum and aunt telling them i didnt want to go to sch. i gradyated to a soccer-mad primary sch kid that played every single day of recess, organising "Chinese vs Malays" matches. i ensure u though, no racial tensions involved. and then i went on to secondary sch. i was an idealist of sorts, but of course i knew that had to go. used to squat at the street soccer court after sec3 results worrying abt being retained. and when it came to college, it was like that. jc whizzed past me just like that. but it's been ok.

from one set of (school) uniform i suddenly find myself putting on very soon another set of uniform (green), and the fact that i can no longer pay 45cents for all my bus and train trips no longer remain a mere increase in my transport costs, but sth else.

enough of nostalgia.

happy new year y'all.

fresh from recluse 01:26 [+]